E is for Eyegasm..............

OK guys sorry im a bit late with my entry for this weeks ABC Wednwsday having a lazzy week so to speak haha but hopefully my entry will make you all laugh.......

E IS FOR EYEGASM..............

Eyegasm - When you see something so awesome it feels like your eyes are having an orgasm!!

Anyone ever had this happen to them?............

If youve read the rest of my blog you know i like to see things funny or weird......and when i see these things, i kno i have to write about them when i have an Eyegasm!...... OK its not the best way to live your life but it sure helps haha

The best eyegasm ive ever had?........when i saw this man running for a bus, only for the door to close and him run smack into the side of it and fall over....whilst the bus driver casually pulled away and drove off haha............

All This For ABC WEDNESDAY GOT THERE NOW CHECK IT OUT!!

My Childhood...........................

Hey All hope we are having a good weekend.....sooo once again im gunna write a blog entry about something that doesn't really fit in with what I write, however I believe some of the things that happened to me when growing up was quite funny and I thought id share them with you all....so here goes.....

1. Crash Test Dummies: Now most of you will know what these are (if not they are the human dummies they use when testing new cars etc), well i myself was used in this way, not by a new exiting company, but by my mother......she used to drive down our road (not fast) and id b sat on the floor for some reason and then she would break hard and id bounce around....i know this sounds dangerous but i enjoyed it (probably why i am like i am).....

2. Knife throwing.... OK if you thought the first one was dangerous, by this point you will be calling for the police haha.....right one day my mum was in the kitchen cooking, and i was outside, just as i entered through the front door i heard a shout of 'THINK FAST!!' and then saw this knife come flying towards me only to miss by a few inches.....

(do you get the feeling i was bullied growing up??)...........

3. Human Coconut Shy....haha ok this one is quite funny and makes people laugh when i tell them....my mum (again) used to sit me on a bucket in our garden and throw potatoes at me trying to knock me off....like a human coconut shy only you dont win the coconut with this one haha....

(you figured out the connection to all of these yet??)

4. Stair Sledding....this one is really fun so i suggest to you all, go out and try it now!!!......right all you have to do is wrap yourself in your duvet.....take a seat at the top of your staircase....and push yourself off......you will slide all the way down and probably hit your head but hey ho all in the name of fun.......once again my mum got me into this buy throwing me down at first haha............

5. Polished Floor.......ok we used to have wooden floor at my house, and once i was upstairs, and my mum thought it would be a good idea (idiot) to spray furniture polish on the floor (duhhh).....then without telling me she called me down.....however not noticing the new shiny floor...i entered into what i would call, 'the best Michael Jackson impersonation ever' as i did the moonwalk followed by both of my legs flying up in the air and me ending up on my back.........

So as you can see my childhood was filled with me being bullied and made the but of the joke by my own mother, but hey, its made me smarter.....IM OFF SLEDDING!!!!!

UMMM this blog post might be a bit boring so i apologise to you all but heres a picture to make it a bit better............

Nightime Screams, Old Shoppers and The Forest Gump Lady........

Soooooo i havent written for a few days, not because i didnt want too.....well party cos i didnt want to haha, but mostly because i was having a breakdown and didnt go out to see anything funny....however today i managed to drag my ass out and heres some things i saw........

Right ok the first thing i didnt really see, but its what i heard. I was laying in bed last night it must have been about 3am when all of a sudden i heard these almighty screams, as if someone was being murdered or something......jumping out of bed i managed to get caught in the duvet and fall flat on my face...grrrrr.....managing to get to the window i looked outside only to see the crazy lady from downstairs standing on the grass in her dressing gown shouting for her cat?!?! i mean WTF? You could have killed me (death by duvet)..........GO BACK IN YOU MENTALIST, IM TRYING TO SLEEP.......

Now one of my pet hates when i go shopping is old people, now im not slagging old people off because well i seem to get on with them haha...Old people you cant beat them (unfortunately :P)
By my god when they are shopping they do my head in, they dawdle about not knowing where they are or who they are, stopping in front of you for no reason and then they take a year to go through the checkout........i mean if you cant do it, dont do it!!!

Now some of you are going to think im really mean for mentioning this right, but i was sitting in my car when this lady walked by, she was walking really weirdly, and as i looked at her feet i noticed she had them special shoes that forest gump had (you know the metal one?).....im not laughing at the fact she has to wear them nor am i laughing at disabled people.....just one thought came into my mind when i saw them tho...........'Momms said these are my magic shoes, she said they'd take me anywhere' (in your best forest gump voice)........RUN FOREST RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

sooo that was that hope it slightly made up for not writing for 2 days, but if it doesnt then tough haha! Laters!!

EVERYBODY IN LOVE, PUT YOUR PIC UP.............

D is For D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F

HAPPY ABC WEDNESDAY EVERYONE......

This week ive decided to use not a work but a saying that to be honest I tend to use rather a lot lately haha so for you viewing pleasure I introduce you to D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F!!.........

Or in other words 'Does It Look Like I Give A F**k!

Made famous by a legendary Australian Singer/Comedian by the name of Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, and it tends to be used in my life when someone is talking absolute bullcrap to me and i cant be bothered to listen anymore haha

So yeah that's that...oh and one more thing...D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F?!?!?

Put together for ABC WEDNESDAY (WHAT YOU WAITING FOR CLICK IT!!)

The Man in The Coat, Whats That Sound? and Racist Animals???........

Hey all ummm....Happy Monday??....No?....Ok well....Happy Day to you.....

So today I went out with the sole intention of finding something worth writing about as some of my posts have become a bit of a bore I think....well with this post i feel i hit the jackpot...but ill let you all be the judge hehe.

So it started as I was driving to the shops, seeing all these old(er) people walking about something hit me, what is it with old people and Beige Jackets???....i must have seen at least 10 different men wearing exactly the same jacket!!!...is there a special shop for them?? haha.
But the one that stands out for me was this little old man (I don't know why he has shrunk, must be the rain ay?) he was wearing what looked like a body bag on him....of corse it was the same jacket but it went right down to the floor...now i know you can get jackets like that...but this was exactly the same as the others....NO WONDER HE LOOKED SAD, HE CANT GET ONE IN HIS SIZE AWWWW.....

Sitting in my flat watching the telly today, i started hearing what sounded like a loud buzzing noise, as it got nearer I realised it sounded like an aeroplane or helicopter...Now this noise got so loud that I started to worry, Are they coming to get me?....ooo are the A-Team are here for dinner?......OMG!!! ITS ZE GERMANS!!!!!!......Well needless to say it was none of them it was actually a police helicopter scanning the area, for a lousy convict no doubt......

Ok now i wrote in a previous post how i sometimes say things that people might find a little on the risky side and close to the line.....but having a spare bit of time I got to thinking about stuff and one thing that came to mind was....ARE ANIMALS RACIST??....Now I'm not saying all animals are (if any) but ill let you into how this came to mind..... I was driving past this field that had horses in....they were white with black spots on, all standing around eating a fresh piece of grass....however I couldn't fail to notice this one little horse eating away from the others as if it had been cast aside....this horse was all black, not a hint of white on its body.....does this thing happen in animal world?? why are they not letting him join their patch?? is he the slave?? or is he the revolution???.....i still cant decide!!

(If that offends anyone then I sincerely apologise, just a random thought, made possible by seeing it with my own unique eyes :P)

SO IF I PRESS THIS BUTTON A PIC APPEARS??? PAH WHO YOU KIDDING......

Sunday Drivers, Home Plumbing and What Happens If..........

Hey all so its sunday, nearly the new week (boooo) so heres my Sunday plug Fest: This week id like to direct you to a blog that is awesome, its one of the first i came accross and ive been hooked ever since, so go to The Vegetable Assassins Page if you want a laugh you wont regret it!!!

Sooo lets start the ranting on one thing that drives me insane (literally) Sunday Drivers!!!!.....Now these are a different breed of humans to everyone else, they think its fine to drive soooo slowly just becasue its sunday and for some reason i always end up behind them when im in a rush....Sunday drivers are also people who have old cars that only come out on special occasions...now i dotn get why sunday is one of these occasions but by god.....STAY AT HOME WE DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR OLD CARS!!!!!

Haha now im gunna let you into a funny story, well its might be funny o you but it definatly wasnt funny for me.....soooo im not the best at DIY but being a man i think i can do anything lol. So this morning the kitchen sink decided to not want to drain water away....so me being me, i decided i was going to fix it....however not having any idea of what i was doing, i decided to unscrew the pipe from the sink to see what the blockage was.....noww i forgot that the washing machine was on and this is connected to the same pipe :S.....so as that kicked in a large gush of water came shooting out of the pipe and totally socked the whole kitchen hmmmm not the best idea ive ever had haha

sooo finally has anyone been in a situation where you think 'i know i shouldnt, but what happens if....'??? these are the situations that you know the outcomes not going to be good but you still have to do it just to prove a point......well this is another thing that i tend to do alot...i guess you coudl say im nt the shapest knife in the drawer, but i was taking a walk the other day and i came to this fence that had a sign that read 'electric fence do not touch'......well thinking 'that cant be true' i decided to give it a touch.....needless to say i got a shock and it kinda hurt.......My thinking is WHY PUT AN ELECTRIC FENCE SUMWHERE WHERE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE COS I KNOW IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHOS GONNA TOUCH IT....AM I?.....ANYONE......*SIGH*.....

JUST A LITTLE NOTE: SO IM AWARE THIS BLOG ISNT AS GOOD/FUNNY/WITTY/RUBBISH? AS IT USED TO BE AND I APOLOGISE FOR THAT....BUT I HOPE IT WILL PICK UP AGAIN SOON....

DUM DE DUM DE DUM DE *SMASH* OOOPS HERES A PIC.......

Something a Little Different.......

Ok well partly because i havent had time to think of witty or funny things to write today, and partly because well...im hungover haha i thought id post a few Q&A's so you can learn a bit more about me soooo yeh here u goo.....

1 . Do you have an innie or an outtie? ermm i have an innie :S

2. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? BBQ Sauce Flavour

3. Which shoe do you put on first? Always the right one first im a bit ocd haha

4. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? Been on the phone and reading a map at the same time whilst driving with my knees hmm

5. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. Sing haha worst singer ever when people are around, but wen im alone im amazing!!!

6. Do you have any strange phobias? Heights and the sea haha

7. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Umm Fell through a table whilst dancing on it haha

8. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? Yes, Was dared to jump a bush only for me to land in it and cut myself up haha

9. Do you want to bring sexy back? Ive already brought sey back haha

10. Name one thing you worry about running out of. Oxygen?? i guess that would be pretty bad lol

11. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? Blaze of glory - any publicity is good publicity

12. Do you have any regrets in life? That i didnt spend more time with my nan before she died :(

13. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? always half empty - No Expectaions, No Dissapointments

14. How many tattoos do you have? i have 2 tattooss want more tho

15. What's the worst injury you have had? umm either snapped ligaments in my knee orrrr i tore a hole in my hamstring once ouch!!!

16. Name three people in the world you dislike: whoa umm.......Justin Bieber (irritating), Tony Blair (prick) andddd Frank Lampard (scum)

17. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. haha ok well i am a trained masseuse :S

18. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Did i actually get any sleep cos im just as tired

19. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night owl but i regret it in the morning blahhhhhhhh

20. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Obviously none of them because something had to be here to create one of them so im going to say........Morgan Freeman!!!

YOU KNOW WHAT?.....NOTHING! HERES A PIC TO MAKE U SMILE...........

Real Angel?, Do As u Likey's and Dont Be A Hero........

ITS FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYYYY........:D

Sooo this morning i woke to find something that, lets just say shocked me so much that it stopped me in my tracks......i pulled back the curtain, only to see what looked like the outline of an angel printed on my window....now seeing as i live on the top floor of my flats it couldnt be a prank from people walking past......so was it my gurdian angel?...am i being stalked by a crazed angel/demon like spirit??.....NO....What i found out, when i opened the window to have a closer look, was a dead bird laying on the floor, that had obviously either flown into the window by accident or was very suicidal.....STUPID BIRD!!!

Do As You Likeys, or as they are more commonly known PIKEYS....Now dont confuse these with the Chavs (reffer to yesterdays post), these are not as bad as the chavs, but they do tend to appear from nowhere on any spare piece of land.....which they have done in the field opposite where i live....hundreds of caravans, barking dogs and loud childrens noises filled the air....GRRRR GO AWAY I WANT TO SLEEP!!!

Have you ever thought of being a hero?....im not talkin superhero...just someone who, if you saw something happening that you would try to help?.....i mean if i saw a house on fire and i knew there was people inside then i would probably try to help get them out.....however theres one thing i wouldnt get involved in...and thats if i saw someone having a fight....not because im scared or anythin cos i can handle myself...its the fact you never know these days whos got a weapon...this is exactly what happened the other night....i was walking home after a few drinks wen i saw these 2 guys having a scrap....now i was about to go ouver and help this guy who was gettin beaten..but thinking 'What If?' stopped me...im glad i did because when the police arrived they found one of them had a knife.....LUCKY ESCAPE I THINK.....

THE-SMILEY-FRIDAY-PICTURE-TIME............

Chavs, Stop looking at me dog and You might not know but...

Hey All...Well after my grouchy day yesterday i thought today id try to write about more happy things......HAHA AS IF!!!....Thats just not what im about......

Ok so i realise many of the people who read this blog are from countries other than England, so this part might not make any sense to you.....but over here we have a new wave of infestation, a group that makes cockroaches bearable, a group who bring only bad to the world....yes THE CHAVS!!!...
Now chavs (for you people) are youth's who wear tracksuits, baseball caps, hoodys and just cause trouble......well where i live i thought was a chav free zone....that was until last night about 2am when, what i thought was the end of the world, turned out to be 4 different cars pull up with their music blaring and these 'human beings' got out obviously quite drunk and started causing trouble.....Now i say its time, time for a change, Time to wipe of the scum.....WHOS WITH ME....*AHEM*....

Haha ok after that little rant heres something a little bit more funny. ok heres the story, i was in the high street looking around, when i passed this shop that had a dog sitting outside, now this dog clasped his eyes on me as soon as he saw me (i dont know why, back to the dr doolittle thing) and as i made eye contact, that was it i was trapped. Our eye contact didnt break the whole time i was walking, it was some kind of weird connection.....until i walked into a lamppost and hit my head....DAMN DOG!!!

Ive been searching the internet lately trying to find some interesting stuff that i didnt know about and i came accross this ineresting website with facts on it.....and id like to share some of the more interesting ones with you too see what you think.....

1. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange,
purple and silver (other than nurple, morange and ermmm....)

2. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who
discovered this??)

3. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. (haha im sorry but that is too funny, 'Houston we have a problem, ive just farted')

and finally...

4. It is impossible to lick your elbow (ok hands up who tried this...i kno i did)

BLAH-BLAH-BLAHHHH-SHOW-ME-THE-DAMN-SMILES............

Damn Foxes, Silly Baby Outifts and That One Thing.......

Sorry for the lateness of my post today....starting to come down with a cold so been sleeping haha.....

They are everywhere, They roam our streets, They stalk us from afar, They come in our houses and they eat our children......ok that last part might not be entirly true, however there has been a steady increase in fox attacks in the home.....my question is do we actually need them? i mean all they do is eat our rubbish and then keep us awake with their blood curdling screams......waste of an animal i say....

Im in a grouchy mood today so little things are annoyin me but ill get onto that later....what i now want to talk about is the people who dress thier children up in the silliest outfits.....i mean when your kids grow up and see pictures of how you dressed them they are going to hate you......little wolly cardigans, leopard print bodysuits, hats with ears on them are just a few of the horrendous sites ive seen.......its a baby NOT A TOY!!!......

Right do any of you have one of those days where things are going great then BAMMMM! that one thing happens to fuck you off and ruin your day??.....No? Well thats exactly the kind of day im having.....oh that one thing that annoyed me?.........PEOPLE WHO FEEL THE NEED TO COLD-CALL YOUR MOBILE PHONE 5 TIMES IN THE SPACE OF 10 MINUTES TRYING TO SEEL YOUR SOMETHING YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN!!!!...........GET A PROPER JOB U LOOSER!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!...........

CHEER ME UP PIC OF THE DAY...........

C is for Chrometophobia

Chrometophobia of the fear of CASH (Money) has got to be, Certainly the most Catasthophic and Creative phobia any Creature has Come up with.

Now i dont know about any of you but my wallet must have this phobia as it never has any money in it :P

For you people out there who have this phobia, heres a little something from me to you.....ENJOY......

This Page Was Created For...GO TO ABC WEDNESDAY

Jeggings, Whats the Point and The Homeless Guy.......

only 4 page views yesterday? :-0 wats going on people???....haha....

First things first, i need to get something off my chest, something that has been bothering me for a while now, and i really dont get where this came from or who started it but if i ever found them they would taste the back of my hand.......WHO THE FLIPPERDY FLIP THOUGHT OF JEGGINGS????
I dont know if the the concept of the thing, or the name or all of it but, what the hell are people thinking. SURELY THEY ARE JUST FOR PEOPLE WHO CANT AFFORD A DECENT PAIR OF JEANS???.........fair enough if youve got the figure to wear them...but my eyes have been tormeted by thousands of sights of people who, well shouldnt wear an item of clothing that clings so snuggly to you........

Whats the Point?.....Thats what i want to ask you, Whats the point?.........Whats the Point in Mosquitos? Are they really needed all they do is buzz around your ear biting you at any opportunity, they bring nothing to the game............Whats the Point in Reusable bags? People never use them they throw them away when they get home and get new ones next time......What the Point with Pickled Fish? noones gonna but that shit so stop producing it.....Whats the Point with Justin Beiber? this little scamp is everywhere he needs to be wiped out..baby baby baby whooooaBANG!!!!!.......

Right last but not least i wanna talk about this homeless guy that i saw earlier, now im not going to make fun of the fact hes homeless, cos it might not be his fault (probably is tho). He must have been in his late 20's, scruffy looking with a sign that read 'Need money for food, please help me'. Now by now you will realise that if i see something i might write about then i stop and watch them for a while. Now i stood and watched this guy for about 10 mins, people kept walking by noone gave him a penny, and i started to feel bad, so i was just about to walk over to him to give him what little change i had. However before i could get their i heard a phone ringing, and then as by a miricle this 'Homeless Guy' pulled out his IPhone and answered the call.......Needless to say my money went back into my pocket.........WHAT A CON HE IS......

DID-YOU-HEAR-THE-ONE-ABOUT-THE-FUNNY-PIC-OF-THE-DAY?.........